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  • Writer's pictureHeather

The Darkest Night

Heather here...

The idea for the blog came to me after a really tough night. Its almost Christmas - as a crafter I've been working my buns off for months on top of all the typical therapy appointments my oldest has. Stressed does not really convey how I felt. I usually use humor as a tool to fight the darkness, because let's face it, I'd rather laugh then cry. But over the previous few days I felt my humor reach a level of snark that bordered on downright bitchy. I was exhausted all the time. Even with daily naps I couldn't seems to keep my energy levels up. I didn't even want to put up the Christmas tree, which is usually my favorite part of Christmas. I had no patience with my kids; I just wanted to hide under the covers. After an evening watching Christmas movies with my kids I finally realized I've felt this way before - it was time to adjust my depression meds.

I got my kids in bed and went to talk to my husband, who was having a bad night of his own and said "Now is not a good time to talk." before I could even get the words out. In that moment I felt so alone. I felt weary from the weight of being the strong one, the calm one, the one that fixes everything. I felt like a failure because my meds were working. I was overwhelmed and buckling under the strain. I needed someone I could talk to - someone who understood and would not stand in judgement. Then I remembered the Mom Squad, newly formed that was there to support each other. I did a short video explaining everything (because it is easier to speak into the ether, than to admit all this to another person, and typing on my phone seemed overwhelming) and then posted it to the Mom Squad group chat. Immediately, they responded. "We'll help you to remember to call the doctor on Monday." "What do you need from us tonight that will help you get through the night?" "Be gentle with yourself." "It's okay to need meds." "Your strong for asking for help." "We are here for you." In that moment I was surround by love and support from people who are walking this path with me. They know the moments of doubt, anger, and fatigue. They get it.

The next day I realized we all need community who gets it. We need to shine the light on our daily struggles so that you know you are not alone. We also remember how scary those first few months were, trying desperately to figure out what was going on. Reading the reports, seeing in black and white all those scientific words that mean so much and help so little. I remember my kindle reading list went from light hearted mysteries to books like "The Explosive Child". I want this to be a place of real struggles, but also of hope. We would like to share information on resources that we know about, in hopes that it will help you on your own journey.

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